Coffee rant no. 1: Starbucks sizes

My friend Kristen has asked me to write a rant about Starbucks coffee sizes, which apparently annoy her as much as they annoy me. Not surprisingly, a little web research shows that the complaint is widespread.

First, the facts: The coffee sizes at Starbucks are called: "Short," "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti". Now, how the hell are you supposed to remember which is bigger, the "Tall", or the "Grande"? Especially if you speak enough Spanish to know that "Grande" means "big". Which is larger, "tall", or "big"?

My research has just informed me that "Venti" is "20" in Italian ("veinte", En Español). At least this conveys some useful information: size is 20 ounces. But still, who's to say that "Venti" has to be bigger than "Grande"? In mathematical terms, this is an attempt to specify a total order using three different types of units. That is, it makes no sense, except for the "Short" vs. "Tall" comparison.

One of the underlying reasons for this silliness is that Starbucks (along with every other food and beverage company in the US, it seems) does not want to use the word "small". The solution, as pointed out in many web pages, is for us customers to rebel and use the words "small", "medium," and "large". Dave Barry puts it best:

Just say you want a large coffee, people. Because if we let the coffee people get away with this, they're not going to stop, and some day, just to get a lousy cup of coffee, you'll hear yourself saying, "I'll have a Mega Grandissimaximo Giganto de Humongo-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong decaf." And then you will ask for the key to the AquaSwooshie.

And when that happens, people, the terrorists will have won.

(A correction to Barry's column: Seattle's Best is actually owned by Starbucks, since 2003.)

Finally: This article at Slate explains why the smallest sizes at Starbucks are not advertised - and how the smaller capuccino is better:

The difficulty is that if some of your products are cheap, you may lose money from customers who would willingly have paid more. So, businesses try to discourage their more lavish customers from trading down by making their cheap products look or sound unattractive, or, in the case of Starbucks, making the cheap product invisible.

Note like the "small" capuccino is that cheap - "$2.35 instead of $2.65." I'll expand on how the smaller coffee drink is usually the better one in a future post!